I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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