My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Two words: blizzard sex
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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