I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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