Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
