Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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