Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My liver just had a heart attack.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize