I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
