I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
