Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
