STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
