K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She bit a glass in half.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
