I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize