I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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