im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
