I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize