I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
