I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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