If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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