you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
