Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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