Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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