Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize