whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
