ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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