Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
