You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I wish I could teleport
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
