Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
