and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
