respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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