I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize