just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
