walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
