The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm always down for nudity.
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