I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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