Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Everyone says I win the strip club
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
