You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
it's like iHOP with fire
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
