i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
the raccoons are back...
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