I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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