my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize