The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize