i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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