yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
