Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
