What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
