Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
