I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
