someone owes me an orgasm
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
