made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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