meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
