I feel great
I just peed on a car
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well I just put wine in my tea
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
