I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize