That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
