come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
