this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
