Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
