Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
