She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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