Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
