Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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