You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
